We don't talk anymore

It's been a month since the last time we spoke. 

It’s the longest we haven't talked to each other in a very long time. 

It’s weird. It’s not like I’m in pain or anything, it’s just that I got used to it and now feel like there’s a void in my routine.

It’s like missing a snack in the middle of the day: you are not starving, but your stomach is confused and bored because of the lack of an appetizer. So now I feel like I have too much spare time. I’m not sure if I miss you, neither am I sure if you do. I’m not sure of anything related to us like I used to be.

We talked constantly. Truth be told, we used to talk every day.

If something important happened we would simply make a phone call and share every detail. It used to be the same with our problems. Girl problems with you, boy trouble with me… We used to help each other out and it felt rather good to have someone, you know? To have a person, YOUR person with whom you could be real. A little crazy, maybe oversensitive, fool or corny… but nothing more and nothing less than yourself.

Still, there comes a time in every relationship of the sort where the spark you share sets doubt. We are talking about that one person with whom you don’t have a romantic relationship with, but can’t deny the fact that you care about each other a little more than you care about others. Somehow that’s nice. A little strange perhaps in your eyes and in those from the people surrounding you, but the feeling that comes with knowing that you fondly care about each other, is a feeling too good to pass or let go.

So, you decide to ignore the question that occasionally pops into your head: What are we?

and shut it down completely.

The DTR (Define The Relationship) command lingers in your head unanswered and triggers other inquiries along the way: What should you do? What do you feel? Would you like to change your relationship status? Are you the only one feeling this way? Are you willing to risk it by asking?

Nonetheless you try to ignore them because they make you feel confused and afraid.

But..

What if you are not the only one asking this questions? What if others think the same? What if they tell him?

So, you let it go and carry on, but from time to time they appear to haunt you and put you in a crossroad until the very day the spark between you two makes everything explode and you finally talk about it.

And we did talk about it. Thing is, you were drunk. A detail that only confirmed that utterly need you had to tell me, but how it supposed a great trouble for you as well.

Everything you revealed that night was that you had been struggling with this thoughts for years. But the fact that you are with someone and had the courage to say you felt jealous about my suitors made the matter worse. 

You can not have everything! 

I never thought I would ever want to keep my distance from you, but this relationship was dangerous from the beginning and we let it go too far. Being together while feeling attracted to each other is not healthy nor wise if we never come to terms with it. 

Despite everything, I still have hope in believing we could overcome this. (Yeah I know it's foolish but I'm human)

Nevertheless, maybe our friendship wasn’t so strong, or you are still struggling with your feelings. And I’ve just had enough.

Thanks for teaching me that indecision is a decision, and I had to make mine and just move on. 

You are not with me, but don't want to be without me either. You are just standing in the way.

This doesn't mean I hate you, quite the contrary... The fact that you care about somebody is not something you can just turn off. I still wish you the best, specially happiness.

I'm just realizing now, that it might just not be the right timing for us to be friends nor enything else. 

They say that if two past lovers can manage to remain friends, that means they never truly loved each other… Or they love each other stil.

So maybe we should keep moving forward onto separate paths and let faith do its thing, while we come to terms with the fact that we don’t talk anymore.

R. Woodworth