11:38 AM Unknown 0 Comments

Un*apologetic: that you refuse to say you're sorry or to express any regret.
And it is exacly what I entend to do from now on.

I've been trying to write the way I feel right now for quite some time. But I haven't been able to explain these moments of "soul searching" or growth that I'm going through.

I do not know if it happens to you, but I feel that my life up to this moment has developed in cycles.
Some are extremely good and happy and others are confusing and difficult to digest.
As Holly Golightly would say

Some days are blue and some are red

The blue days are those in which it is raining, you put up a little weight or you failed a test.
But the reds are those days when you do not have an answer for anything. Those in which you feel that you can not handle life and just want to give up. 
The red days are days when you are scared and simply not know what the next step is.
That's exactly where I am right now.
It's been a winter of red days. Rare days ... Days in which any little thing out of the ordinary unleashes a thousand thoughts in which I question what I feel, what I do and the reasons why; whether it is right or wrong and what it says about me.
It all started with something that happened months ago, which I never thought would happen, because I was nothing but a little girl who believed that life could only be black or white, and that if I did something outside of what I've been taught that was held as correct, that would change me as a person.
I did not regret it, I did not care. I did what I wanted to do and that's it. But a part of me started to wonder if I had stopped being the person I think I am.
In this spiral of thought, it was when I discovered .. or rather became aware of my masks. I told you about them in an article.
Masks that now I realize are much more deeper than just a way of coping with uncertainty but a defense mechanisms born out of repression. 
The repression of a traumatic event as it could have been the death of my father when I was 9 years old.

Was I aware of it? No.
Have I blamed it for my demons? Not at all.

But at this moment it is becoming clear to me that the longing for control and perfection that I manage, is not given to prove something, nor try to make his memory proud of me, but it is a way to have power over mundane situations, because when it came to him, I wasn't given a choice. His death was completely beyond my jurisdiction.
So therefore, from then on I have tried to control what I can. From a task, to my interpersonal relationships. I try to do everything in my power to make them work; which I now realize makes me attached and protective to a level that sometimes streaks in jealousy.

Because I do not want to lose anyone. Because I do not tolerate when people leave my life just like that. Because it happened once and I do not want it to happen again.

However I think all this is very good, at least becoming aware of it, but sometimes, when it comes out in a very cheesy gesture or an attack of jealousy, I tend to feel ashamed.
Because it is really uncomfortable when someone sees you vulnerable or realizes that you are a little broken.
I know that we are all human and every single soul goes through similar situations.
But to realize it ... To reach the point where I am realizing that I am what I am and I do what I do for all this ... It's overwhelming.

Because then ...
Who am I without my sadness?

Who am I without all this masks and mechanisms even traits of my personality born out of those dark moments,  that have taken me so far?

I do not have the faintest idea. 
But I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not even care anymore.
Making mistakes, having no control over every little detail, partying it out, letting loose, kissing a stranger, saying something you shouldn't say or wearing an outfit that your mother considers inappropriate a few times in your life time does not change you as a person. Nor does it make you irresponsible, drunk, nor vulgar (specifically speaking of these last three examples)

They make you human, and they make you grow into knowing who you are, leaving people's opinions and prejudices aside.
I'm tired of feeling the way I feel.

Developing awareness and improving as a human being is very complicated to keep apologizing for it. 

So, it is decided.
I will stop apologizing. 
Anyone who loves me and wants to be in my life will know this facet and I suppose that they'll have to accept it, because I will no longer apologize for being who I am.
This doesn't mean I'm strong-willed or overconfident. I want to be unapologetic because this is literally my life. There is nothing I can do about it nor anyone I have to please.
For better or worse. I'm just a person with a strong sense of being, that is all.

Roberta Woodworth

0 comentarios: