Monday

12:00 AM Roberta W. P. F 0 Comments

Same old for me, Italian food last night for dinner leads to major regrets in the morning. SO typical yet a habit I'm probably never ever going to break. It's just too satisfying (and delicious) in the moment.
Early last week I found myself crying with a friend.
We had just walked out of math class and all of the sudden, there we were, sobbing uncontrollably  in the hall (thank god it was empty)
I asked her what was wrong, even tough I was certain that I already knew. It took her a minute to calm down and answer me "everything,. It's just too much, and I don't even have the time or energy to deal with it".
Yep, I was right, I felt the same way.

To give a little backstory on me, I used to think about myself as a very put together person. I might not have been the most organized girl neither a geek, but in the end of the day I always managed to do great at school, not only academically, but socially. If you had ever been looking for someone to help you out with Biology or putting on any kind of show or event, I would have been/still am your girl.

But now... Now things are a bit too much. I used to easily thrive between magazines, shootings, gym-life, cocktails and finals, as if I had the time in the world to do so, and did great on everything. But right now, I barely have time to sleep.
And that would be, with nothing but school in my agenda. Because of course, the blog and work had to be set aside for me to actually have the time to focuss on it.
That's sad and causes me a great deal of anxiety, you know?
I mean, after all this years, writting has become a way for me to free my mind, and this blog has open many doors I want to keep open. But for that I need time.
Time to get those brain juices flowing in order to deliver articles, and time to write those articles, a task, which now seems impossible due to the amount of homework I have.

Add to it that Univerity applications are no joke and require tons of papers to be delivered on a certain deadline. And of course, you are a confussed young adult who is feeling the pressure but is still trying to decide what to study and figure out where to go.
So, you have me working 24/7 non stop like crazy. And it sucks...
You get all fed up and stop functioning.
After 3 days of only 5 hours of sleep you can't even read correctly and the assimilation process while studying gets minimized to cero. And such a mental numbness brings everything but good results to a week of daily exams.

The seasoning to it all, would be the additional drama that comes with seniors trying to raise money with parties and events for graduation.
You guessed right... Someone needs to organize all that and handle 48 people to make it happen. It's not easy and becomes more dfficult when people have the strange idea that they are in an episode of House of Cards and start playing politics to sabotage committees or feel the ridiculous need to work behind your back.
The extra topping is just the fact that most of us are growing up or in some cases appart... And accepting that some people simply don't match in your life anymore it's hard.

It's just too much.
You have the pressure, the fear, the anxiety, the numbness, the stress, the frustration, the nostalgia and the lack of creativity all over you all the time.

My friend is an actress and wants to keep acting after she graduates, but right now she was forced to quit because of time.
The way she told me her problem had me reflecting on my current standing.

First and foremost I had to make a pause and force myself to find a bright side.
I am somebody who is so unbelievably fortunate to have the love and support of so many amazing people around her. I'm lucky too for having met so many along the way from whom I've been able to learn so much and experience so many amazing thing in the last 3 years.

As of recently, I have found myself in a serious state of transition.
Ending old relationships and beginning new ones.
It's invigorating to pick and choose who you really want to spend precious time and energy on.
Not simply carrying on relationships with people JUST because you have known them for an extended period of time OR went to elementary school with. Obviously change is always a little scary, but we have to get excited about the future and see the bigger picture.
They say that once you fight a NEW DEVIL you are getting to a NEW LEVEL.
I have always had big plans for myself, and focussing my energy on ensuring goals of mine and working my butt off to finish High School the right way to do so, seems to be a MUCH more appealing option now, then bullshitting around with people who aren't on the same path.

HAPPY MONDAY GUYS!
La historia de siempre,  comida italiana en la cena lleva al arrepentimiento en la mañana. Súper típico, pero por mucho que tenga que correr 20 min. más para quemar esos carbs, no es un habito que este dispuesta a romper. Es demasiado rico y satisfactorio en el momento...
Al principio de la semana me puse a llorar con una amiga. Ibamos saliendo del salón de matemáticas cuando, sin razón aparente, reventamos en llanto. Lo bueno es que el pasillo estaba desierto.
Le pregunté qué tenía, casí segura de conocer ya la respuesta. Le costo unos minutos sobreponerse para contestar: "TODO. Ya es demasiado y no tengo ni la energía para lidear con ello"
Sí. Ya sabía que tenía, yo me sentía igual.
Para darles un poco de perspectiva, debo contarles que yo solia considerarme una persona bastante organizada. Algo despistada a veces quizá, y nunca nerd... Pero al final del día con notas arriba del promedio y buenos amigos. Si alguien necesitaba ayuda con Biología, yo estaba ahí.. Igual que en la organización de eventos y esas cosas.. Sigo siendo su chica.
Pero ahora... Ahora las cosas son diferentes. Solía navegar con facilidad entre revistas, gimnasio, sesiones de fotos, cocteles y finales como si tuviera el tiempo del mundo, y sinceramente me iba bien en todo. Pero ahora, ya no tengo tiempo ni para dormir.
Y eso que ya no hay mas que actividades escolares en la agenda. Porque claro, el blog y el trabajo pasaron a segundo plano para que pudiera concentrarme.
Y eso es triste saben? me produce mucha ansiedad..
Digo, después de tanto tiempo, escribir se ha vuelto una manera de liberarme, y el blog ha abierto puertas que no quiero cerrar. Pero para eso se necesita tiempo. Tiempo para que la materia gris se ponga creativa, y tiempo para escribir todas esas ideas que circulan por mi mente, lo cual, con la cantidad de tarea que tengo es casi imposible. 
Sumemosle a esto que tengo que aplicar a la universidad y soy un joven adulto confundido tratando de descifrar que quiero hacer de mi vida. Así que aquí ando, trabajando 24/7 porque el cerebro y la angustia no duermen. Y ya estoy harta. Después de dormir solo 5 horas por 3 días no me puedo ni concentrar... Y eso en temporada de exámenes es todo menos bueno.
Claro, falta condimentar todo esto con que estoy en mi último año de prepa y el drama de los eventitos para recaudar fondos y lidear con 48 personas con complejo de Maquiavelo a la House of Cards no ayuda. Aunado a que hemos crecido y así como crecemos, cambiamos... Y las amistades se enfrían. Darse cuenta de eso y aceptarlo es duro.
Es mucho. Tienes la presión, el miedo, la ansiedad, el estrés, cansancio, frustración, nostalgia y falta de creatividad sobre ti todo el tiempo.
Mi amiga es actriz y tuvo que renunciar a eso por ahora para poder graduarse. La manera en la que me conto su situación me hizo reflexionar sobre como me siento. Primero que nada, trate de verle el lado positivo a todo eso. Soy una persona muy afortunada por estar rodeada de tanto cariño y apoyo. También por el hecho de haber tenido la oportunidad de conocer gente de la que he aprendido mucho quien también me ha llevado a vivir cosas extraordinarias.
En este momento me encuentro en un estado de transición. Terminando viejas relaciones y comenzando otras. Es genial poder escoger en quien invertir mi precioso tiempo y energía. No solo seguir en relaciones porque fuimos con esa persona a la primaria o por tener mucho tiempo de conocerlas. Obviamente el cambio da miedo, pero hay que emocionarnos por el futuro y trabajar por lo que queremos. No  aguantar las tonterías de otros.
-RWPF

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