Early last week I found myself crying with a friend.
We had just walked out of math class and all of the sudden, there we were, sobbing uncontrollably in the hall (thank god it was empty)
I asked her what was wrong, even tough I was certain that I already knew. It took her a minute to calm down and answer me "everything,. It's just too much, and I don't even have the time or energy to deal with it".
Yep, I was right, I felt the same way.
To give a little backstory on me, I used to think about myself as a very put together person. I might not have been the most organized girl neither a geek, but in the end of the day I always managed to do great at school, not only academically, but socially. If you had ever been looking for someone to help you out with Biology or putting on any kind of show or event, I would have been/still am your girl.
But now... Now things are a bit too much. I used to easily thrive between magazines, shootings, gym-life, cocktails and finals, as if I had the time in the world to do so, and did great on everything. But right now, I barely have time to sleep.
And that would be, with nothing but school in my agenda. Because of course, the blog and work had to be set aside for me to actually have the time to focuss on it.
That's sad and causes me a great deal of anxiety, you know?
I mean, after all this years, writting has become a way for me to free my mind, and this blog has open many doors I want to keep open. But for that I need time.
Time to get those brain juices flowing in order to deliver articles, and time to write those articles, a task, which now seems impossible due to the amount of homework I have.
Add to it that Univerity applications are no joke and require tons of papers to be delivered on a certain deadline. And of course, you are a confussed young adult who is feeling the pressure but is still trying to decide what to study and figure out where to go.
So, you have me working 24/7 non stop like crazy. And it sucks...
You get all fed up and stop functioning.
After 3 days of only 5 hours of sleep you can't even read correctly and the assimilation process while studying gets minimized to cero. And such a mental numbness brings everything but good results to a week of daily exams.
The seasoning to it all, would be the additional drama that comes with seniors trying to raise money with parties and events for graduation.
You guessed right... Someone needs to organize all that and handle 48 people to make it happen. It's not easy and becomes more dfficult when people have the strange idea that they are in an episode of House of Cards and start playing politics to sabotage committees or feel the ridiculous need to work behind your back.
The extra topping is just the fact that most of us are growing up or in some cases appart... And accepting that some people simply don't match in your life anymore it's hard.
It's just too much.
You have the pressure, the fear, the anxiety, the numbness, the stress, the frustration, the nostalgia and the lack of creativity all over you all the time.
My friend is an actress and wants to keep acting after she graduates, but right now she was forced to quit because of time.
The way she told me her problem had me reflecting on my current standing.
First and foremost I had to make a pause and force myself to find a bright side.
I am somebody who is so unbelievably fortunate to have the love and support of so many amazing people around her. I'm lucky too for having met so many along the way from whom I've been able to learn so much and experience so many amazing thing in the last 3 years.
As of recently, I have found myself in a serious state of transition.
Ending old relationships and beginning new ones.
It's invigorating to pick and choose who you really want to spend precious time and energy on.
Not simply carrying on relationships with people JUST because you have known them for an extended period of time OR went to elementary school with. Obviously change is always a little scary, but we have to get excited about the future and see the bigger picture.
They say that once you fight a NEW DEVIL you are getting to a NEW LEVEL.
I have always had big plans for myself, and focussing my energy on ensuring goals of mine and working my butt off to finish High School the right way to do so, seems to be a MUCH more appealing option now, then bullshitting around with people who aren't on the same path.